not ready for this jelly

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looking to get humble this winter? here’s a thought, go shop for a bathing suit. no? that doesn’t sound like a wise decision? silly me, i probably should have consulted you before i ventured into the target dressing room this past saturday afternoon with a handful of swimsuit separates in my hands.

truth be told, i knew better than to try on bathing suits this time of year -mostly for the fact that i’m fifty shades of pale right about now (and for the other 11 months, too). but bathing suits oddly sell out well before the arrival of “bathing suit appropriate” weather (let’s stop being so aggressive fashion industry, mmmk?) so i figured i’d snag a few new pieces for the summer rotation before every tween in north county made off with my size small tops (dolly parton, i am not). and despite the looks of “bless her heart” i received from my fellow bulls-eye shoppers, i ventured into the family-sized (that’s right, i took the big stall. i get claustrophobic and it’s not like i was depriving anyone, all of the remaining stalls were vacant anyway. stop judging me) dressing room, said a little prayer, and hoped for the best.

i’d like to first point out that it is maybe not the best decision to wear jeggings when you plan on trying on trying any type of clothing that would require you to have to remove said jean-legging-hybrid. so basically any other pants, dresses, skirts, or, as was my case, bathing suits. not only do you feel as you are peeling off a second layer of skin when you pry yourself out of those puppies, but once you have finally removed them, chances are you now have some lovely seam lines ingrained into your fleshy parts. basically your bottom half looks like a stenciling project gone wrong -just in time to shimmy into a barely there bikini bottom. and if you’re really lucky (like i was), your jeggings were tucked into your favorite pair of cowboy boots and beneath those southern footwear was a pair of old running socks… so just to recap you’re pale, your fleshy parts are seam-ingrained and you’re rocking some white tube socks. recipe for awesomeness? or disaster? you be the judge.

now the former version of me would maybe have had a mini-freak out as i realized that the mediums must have been mislabeled extra-small because ain’t no way that those baby drawers were fitting more than one bum cheek (slight exaggeration, but seriously y’all, when did target warp their sizing?), but after my adventures in skinny jean-ing, i’ve learned that sometimes garments simply aren’t ready for this jelly. but again i inquire of you, who is? so before i had a moment to allow for those evil little self-deprecating minions creep into my brain, i cut my losses and opted to model bathing suit tops instead. it was at this exact moment i thanked whoever the genius was who came up with selling swimwear as separates (if i knew his/her identity, i would certainly send him/her a mini-muffin basket). because while its counterpart may have been sized for a fetus, the below bandeau-style top fit like a dream.

i mean, hi, be cuter:

Target Striped Bathing Suit Top

it fits like a dream, too.

and when i all but made off with it beneath my clothes -it was so comfortable i mistook it for my bra, i knew that a chest-to-bathing-suit-top match does not come around often and that i better bank on this serendipitous sartorial discovery. therefore, i purchased said wonder brakini (bra + bikini) for a cool $17.99. the kid ringing me up even threw in the plastic hanger the top was fashioned to, now if that’s not stellar customer service, i don’t know what is.

anyway, the reason i post this is to tell you that, well for one thing, that i now have one really cute bathing suit top come summertime...

but in all seriousness, i post this to tell you that i think the best thing you can do for yourself when you do decide to venture into the world of solo bathing suit runway shows is to go into the whole experience with a good attitude.

oh, and maybe a spray tan. no, definitely a spray tan.

sometimes it really is the garment’s fault (like i said, hey target, get it together with your sizing!). just remember, your bod is rockin’ no matter how the size medium bottoms fit.

p.s.good news! because i’m pretty sure going bottomless is not an option at my community pool, i enlisted the assistance of my favorite little georgia peach fashionista L, and what do you know, of course she had the remedy! apparently it’s no secret that victoria’s secret (yep, i just did that) has fabulous swimwear. swimwear, in fact, that fits well over lovely lady lumps. who knew? apparently everyone else but me, because it would make a lot of sense that a company that specializes in bras and undergarments would know a thing or two on how to outfit a woman’s bod. especially given the fact that bathing suits are just basically pool and ocean safe glorified lingerie. so here’s hoping the two ruched hipkinis (hip-hugging bikinis?) i ordered in kelly green and navy pair well with my nautical themed top as photographed above (they are on their way to me as we speak, or as you read). and if not? well, then perhaps i should just invest in a sarong. or a festive grass skirt.

happy bathing suit/covering your jelly-shopping, y’all.


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