juicey couture

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you know that saying that “man cannot live on bread alone?” well, i’m here to tell you that “(wo)man cannot live on juice alone.”

well actually that’s a lie. because i did in fact live on juice alone. for three long days. and what do you know? i survived (unless i didn’t and in that case, this is my ghostwriter typing this recap). it almost cost me my sanity and a co-worker, but i did it. and i’m really proud of myself. i’m also really excited that it’s over. because despite how much fun it is to feel cleansed and detoxed and light and rejuvenated, i’ve also realized that there are many other things that are fun in life. like chewing. on food. sweet glorious solid food.

but in all seriousness, i think it was good for me to do something as extreme as this in the name of vanity health. and i would recommend this particular cleanse to anyone looking for free torture (it’s far from free, actually) to give their body a kick-start, especially on the eve of sum, sum, summah-time (i’m not going to call it “bikini season” because not everyone opts for bikinis when venturing to the beach, some sport tankinis and others, one-pieces).

i chose to do suja’s 3-day cleanse. while i’d like to pretend that i’m all domestic-y and would totally buy all of the produce myself to prepare my juice on the daily, i’m also very much into convenience, so you know, the whole ease of having the juices prepared and ready for me to just grab and go was way more appealing. therefore on tuesday evening, i dropped some coin (all in the name of clean insides) at jimbo’s and purchased myself 18 juices, six for each day, said a little prayer and braced myself for the next three days. i probably should have chosen more than a salad from lotus as my final meal until saturday, but i underestimated just what i was getting myself into.

here’s what the schedule looks like:

suja cleanse

i’m not gonna lie, the first day was hard. having no reference as to what these juices would taste like, i feel like i totally shocked the daylights out of my taste buds with each passing “meal.” and the lack of coffee (and the headache that followed due to said lack of coffee) didn’t bode well for my energy levels and/or morale. but i powered through, drank at least five trenta ice waters with lemon and prayed for grace at almost all hours of the day. “dear Lord, please don’t let me snap at a colleague and/or member. it’s not me, it’s the hanger. give me patience and grace and let saturday come at lightning speed. in Jesus name i pray, amen.” i never actually got ravenous. which is strange for someone who is basically a bottomless pit. in fact, by the end of the day, i had a hard time finishing my last juice without feeling as though my insides were floating. i kind of think my body was just trying to figure out just what i was doing to it. “um, excuse me? where are the brussels sprouts we look forward to every evening?” it was asking. instead it got some liquefied leafy greens. not the best exchange, i imagine. but i went to bed satisfied and proud of myself for making it through day one (mostly) unscathed.

day two i woke up feeling pretty good. alright, i thought, i GOT this thing. wrong. so wrong. i think the hardest part of my journey hit me around lunchtime and lasted until pure barre class ended at 6:30 pm (yeah, i went to barre class in the middle of the cleanse. it wasn’t nearly as bad as i thought it might be considering all i had in my system was juice, but i was also 15 minutes late due to traffic and skipped the entire warm-up section, so maybe it wasn’t as rigorous of a workout as it could have been…). so for a good five hours i questioned everything. and stared creepily at my co-workers as they ate lunch in the employee dining room. get out of here with your delicious sandwiches and pastries. just leave me here with my beet juice. but first, can you describe in detail how that cookie tastes? i finished out my day with my green supreme (which by day two i had oddly taken a liking to) and the dessert (aka my saving grace) concoction –vanilla cloud. i’m pretty sure the cleanse wouldn’t have nearly as good of results if i just sustained on six vanilla clouds daily, but if i could, man, i would have done that in a heartbeat. after a full day of carrot and kale flavorings, sipping on the cinnamon, coconut, vanilla, almond goodness pre-beditme is like a little present from heaven.

day three. i made it, i made it. the final day of my cleanse and friday. glory hallelujah. not to get all hippie dippie, i use petruli oil and don’t bathe regularly on you, but what a difference 12 hours makes, y’all. i woke up feeling the best i have felt in a good long while. so this juice thing really does work? i thought. this was the feeling of euphoria and clarity i had been waiting 48 hours to experience. i mean, don’t get me wrong, i wasn’t like YAY JUICE. but i also wasn’t like GIVE ME ALL OF THE COFFEE AND NO ONE GETS HURT. so improvement, i’d say. the rest of the day was fairly easy, mostly for the fact that i could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, and well, after two full days of cleanse mode, i knew what to expect. after finishing my mid-morning bottle of fuel, i actually called a co-worker to tell her how much i enjoyed it. and then immediately quipped, “WHO AM I?” the beet awfulness at lunchtime was still awful, but like i said before, at least i knew what to expect. i treated myself to a little retail therapy on the way home, hoping the abundance of clothes would distract me for the lack of abundance of food. and by the time i got home that evening, i knew my two favorite flavors of juice awaited me. as well as a few episodes of say yes to the dress and an early bedtime. basically it was my christmas eve so i figured that the earlier i went to bed, the quicker saturday (and coffee) would come.

all kidding aside, this cleanse made me realize something. and yes, something more than my unhealthy reliance on caffeine and gum. for so many years i refrained from eating due to distorted body image and a desire to control a world that was crumbling around me. i felt power from the dizzy, woozy, i think i might faint and/or cut someone if i don’t eat a bagel now feeling. honestly, thinking about how badly i fared on day two, i have no idea how i not only passed, but even managed to make the honor roll (humble brag) in eighth grade, when my anorexia was at its peak. completing this cleanse made me realize just how amazing the human body, how amazing my human body, is and how subsequently i owe it so much gratitude for all it has been through with me. for so many years i’ve taken it for granted, paying no mind to the things i put into (or refrained from putting into) it. and while i can’t guarantee that i won’t experience a minor slip-up here or there in the future, i will say that it’s high time i stop abusing its resilience. because one day it won’t be so resilient. and i’ll probably be put on a strict diet of beet juice. because God has a sense of humor and because beet juice is probably one of those super foods.

okay enough seriousness.

so if my aforementioned recap of my three-day cleanse doesn’t scare you off and you do decide to follow in my juicing footsteps, here are few observations-slash-pearls of wisdom i had/have throughout the course of my 72-hour juice cleanse:

one. do not, i repeat, do not under any circumstances watch the food network while on a eating solid foods hiatus. actually, you probably just shouldn’t watch tv in general. i saw a dominos commercial and i swear i all but leapt from my couch to snatch a slice of pizza right off the screen. and y’all, i don’t even like pizza that much.

two. of the six juices, about 3/4 of them are the opposite of delicious. you do the math on that one. so to ensure the contents of the bottle made it into the contents of my belly, i would employ the whole mind over matter principle. i kid you not, i chanted “vanilla milkshake, vanilla milkshake” the entire time i chugged my fiji juice in the late afternoon. you may love the taste of liquefied kale and cucumber. i, on the other hand, love the taste of things like peanut butter, oreo cookies, and cookie dough ice cream. which is precisely why i counted down the hours until my “dessert” juice. so as to survive the other 12ish hours of the day, i used my imagination. if your purify (that’s the beet one) doesn’t taste like a wendy’s frosty (i think it’s trademarked, you obviously need to work on your imagination skills.

three. turns out, i won’t die if i don’t drink coffee (though it was pretty touch and go there on the morning of day two), but man oh man did i miss it. and may or may not have used a visit to starbucks on the morning of day four as motivation to make it through the cleanse. but i also realized that i drink a lot of it. a LOT. and maybe i should be a bit more mindful of my intake. i think i need to practice that whole “savoring” thing that people talk about, instead of the usual “shoveling” and/or “gulping” thing i tend to do when it comes with food and drink.

four. thanks to the overwhelmingly immense desire to mask the taste of some of the juices, i have successfully drank my weight (and then some) in lemon water. my trenta cup from starbuck’s has certainly been logging overtime this week. so if you need me, i’ll be in the little girl’s room, again. along the same lines, all of this water has definitely made me realize how i still can stand to up my intake outside of the cleanse realm.

five. i’ve been blessed with flat(ish) abs (i got it from my momma). if i gain a few pounds, they usually collect around my upper thighs and milkshake (which does bring all the boys to the yard) regions. my while i may look 17, i’ve seemed to misplaced my 17-year-old metabolism. in other words, over the last few months, i have noticed a nice little pocket collecting under my belly button. kind of like a skin fanny pack or what your stomach looks like right after you’ve eaten a chipotle burrito. anyway, after completing the cleanse, i did notice this nice little pouch-o-fun collapse almost completely. i’d like to think that bloated baby buddha belly contained all of the toxins that have since been flushed from my system. that, or it was water weight and it’ll be back in 3-5 business days.

six. being on a fruit and veggie only diet really does re-set your taste buds. by day three, i really started to appreciate the fresh and pure flavors each juice had to offer. upon finishing the cleanse, i had this overwhelming desire to upkeep my intake of unadulterated whole and real foods. my first meals hardly needed the copious amounts of condiments and sweeteners i had been so accustomed to using. i even use less stevia in my coffee (i know, who AM i?). it’s kind of like i’m experiencing eating for the first time all over again. and this time around, i’m going to make it count.

seven. i tried to think of ten things, but i got tired (lay off, i’ve lived on only juice for the past three days). so we’re ending with seven…bottom line, y’all. you can do this. it’s three days. 72 little hours. and i can tell you from experience, it does get easier as the plan goes on. while i may appear to be the type that’s uber healthy (have y’all fooled on that one), a juice cleanse was never something i even entertained for the fact that i figured i’d be so dang hungry, i’d probably pass out and die. obviously that was not the case (again, unless i did, and this is a ghostwriter). and considering what i usually try to sustain on, this cleanse offered more opportunities to “eat” and kept my blood sugar levels nice and steady throughout the day. sure, the lack of coffee did me in on the afternoon of day two, but even when i treated myself to that sweet nectar once again in the form of a tall americano pre-pure barre bright and early saturday morning, i noticed just how much i didn’t need to voraciously slurp it down as i once had. i, instead sipped it like a civilized adult and felt completely satisfied afterward.

so if you’re looking to hit “re-set” on the old habeus corpus and aren’t able to juice at home, i highly recommend the suja 3-day juice cleanse (there are also 1 day and 5 day options, so pick your poison). sure, it’s kind of on the expensive side, but can you really put a price on good health?

(technically you can, it’s about $8 per juice).

suja juice is sold at most health food stores like whole foods and jimbo’s. i purchased my 18 bottles at jimbo’s in del mar. they were very helpful and even sent me home with a few bags of ice to keep the refrigerated juices nice and cold until i got home later in the evening. i may or may not have flirted with the guy at the meat counter to make that happen.

also, all above opinions are strictly my own. suja offered me no beet bribes to compose this post. for more information about their juice and about the cleanse, visit their website: sujajuice.com.

happy juicing!

all 18 juices lined up and ready to go on the morning of day one.

all 18 juices lined up and ready to go on the morning of day one.

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