there are a few things you should never do:
1) go to a puppy store without the intention of getting a puppy.
2) tell yourself that you’re going to run into target just to pick up a new tube of toothpaste and refill cartridges for your swiffer.
3) try on jeans that are way out of your price range just so you can see if the sweater you have your eye on looks good as a completed “outfit.”
why don’t you take a wild guess as to what happened to me on sunday? here’s a hint, i’m not a new fur mommy and i (luckily) didn’t fall victim to what i lovingly call a “target whoopsies” (see also: spending a cool $100+ dollars on unnecessary items like a new nightgown, kitchen towels, and a butter cream scented candle when the only items on your “pick-up at at target” list were floss and a birthday card for aunt susie), so…i’ll take door #3, monty!
i’m not sure if you’ve ever shopped at anthropologie (please do yourself a favor and plan a visit, if only to take in the magnificent smell of overpriced clothing and mango-flavored candles), but they have like a zillion different makes, models, designs, washes, fits, etc. of denim. that’s right, a zillion. they have brands i haven’t even heard of. and rightly so, because those are usually the ones that are very VERY out of my price range. so honestly, when i grabbed a pair willy nilly to accompany my newly purchased citrine sweater (see below. and also if you’re wondering, it is WAY more neon that this photo displays. and double also, i sized up for a more oversized fit), i didn’t really think too much about it. it was one pair of zillions. what were the odds that it would be the most magnificent pair of jeans to ever grace these hips, thighs, and milkshake?
one in a zillion, i suppose. well maybe i should start playing the lotto or at least plan to attend opening day of the races (you know i would rock a fierce hat), because i found the jean holy grail. oh my-lanta, y’all. i slipped those babies on and it was as if my legs had been stretched a mile long and my tushie had endured 2859023580293 squats to produce something reminiscent of a rap video (i mean, in a tasteful way, duh). in short, they made my lower half look like a dream. like that dream where i’m marisa miller and am walking in the victoria secret fashion show (i’m wearing those wings, too and it’s the year that justin timberlake is performing on the runway).
i stared at myself in the mirror for an absurd amount of time. i wanted to savor every moment i could realistically spend wearing them before the anthropologie sales lady (shout out to vanessa) came to check on me to see if i had passed out or something.
but i mean, look at them.
i know, it’s fine, i drooled a little bit, too. the brand is MiH which stands for, wait for it, MADE IN HEAVEN. which, duh, they must have been.
i finally peeled them off my bod and clipped them back onto the hanger where they belonged. i headed out of the dressing room and stopped by vanessa to hand in my “no’s” before making my way to the register. i professed my love for said jeans to sweet vanessa before leaving. i mean, i couldn’t help but to gush about the magical moment i had just had in the dressing room (that sounds way juicier than it was). obviously being the great salesgirl that she is, vanessa did her best attempt at wooing me into purchasing said magic jeans. i told vanessa she was an enabler and made a beeline out of that dressing room before she convince me otherwise. well done, anthropologie. you hire really good salespeople. ones that are near successful at flattering me into buying a really expensive pair of jeans.
but i escaped my beloved store without a $218-dollar deficit to my checking account (it was only a $34.95 deficit, which is hello, way better!).
anyway, let this be a lesson to you. do NOT try on jeans out of your price-range unless you plan on having some serious non-buyer’s remorse. here’s hoping those babies go on sale in the not-so-distant future. or i hit the lottery. or both.
and if not, i guess i can always settle on being that girl who comes into anthropologie unannounced to visit her favorite pair of jeans. let’s be honest, that would be one of the least creepy things that i’ve ever done.