a monday chuckle:
so last tuesday when i was out with the stomach flu, food was the last thing on my radar. in an attempt to keep my stomach contents, well, inside my stomach, i pretty much stuck to berry-flavored powerade and ginger ale. but by around 3:00 p.m., i discovered an appetite again. it was then that i decided to tempt fate.
normally when battling a stomach bug, you’re advised to stick to the BRAT diet -bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast. these items have been proven to be gentle enough to satisfy upset bellies with little to no, unfortunate side effects. but i didn’t have any of these items in the house, and furthermore, none of them sounded remotely appetizing, so i decided to self-prescribe the BRATFY diet, instead. oh you haven’t heard of that one? well let me enlighten you. in addition to the aforementioned items, it also includes frozen yogurt (that’s the FY).
to be honest, despite my abstention from lactose, frozen yogurt was the only thing that sounded like it might be just as pleasant coming back up as it was going down (i know, TMI, but it was fairly good logic, i think). plus it has calcium and i figured my bones could use strengthening.
so i rallied, changed out of my fleece bathrobe into a t-shirt and shorts, and tried to brush my hair so as to not appear as though i had been cat-napping on the bathroom floor for the past 11 hours. my apologies in advance, kind patrons of the yogurt shop. no i’m not auditioning for the next season of the walking dead, just suffering from the stomach flu, carry on. lucky for me, i didn’t have to travel far. we have a self-serve yogurt place in the little town square of my housing community. in theory, it’s so close i could walk. but it’s all uphill on the way back, so, like i said, in theory. i parked my car in the 15-minute parking zone right out front, walked into shop, and made an immediate bee-line to the serving cups. unlike most franchised stores with only “one size fits all” yogurt receptacles, yogurt utopia offers not one, not two, but three sizes. or as i like to refer to them as “just a little after dinner treat,” “forget after dinner, this IS my dinner” and “what’s a portion size again?.” considering the fact that i hadn’t consumed any formidable calories in 24 hours, i opted for the largest size. IT’S JUST YOGURT, PEOPLE. it’s basically like eating air.
i split the cup real estate three-ways: one third cake batter, one-third cookies ‘n cream, one third classic vanilla. in reality, it was probably more like 1/2 cake batter, 1/4 cookies ‘n cream, and 1/4 classic vanilla, but you know, fractions were never my strong suit. i skipped the topping counter and headed right for the register. i was greeted by an extremely energetic middle-aged woman who was working the counter. before she could even greet me, she was immediately distracted by the gargantuan cup of yogurt i had placed on the scale before her. “oh my gawwwwww” she cried. yes, yes, i get it. it’s a lot of yogurt. please just weigh it and tell me how much i owe so i can be out of here. she continued to gawk at my obvious disregard for portion sizes as she calculated my total. $7.96. i don’t even know how much that is in ounces, but i’m venturing to guess it’s probably close to a pound. so health. i pulled out a five and three ones from my wallet and handed the bills to her as i reached for a lid. seeing as the amount of yogurt could feed a family of four, she began inquiring as to how many spoons i would need. surely, i was sharing this massive frozen treat with a half dozen of my friends, right? “how many spoons do you need? two? three?”
“nope, actually just one.” i replied confidently.
“no, really?” she pressed on, still not quite convinced i was being truthful.
“yep, really. just one, it’s all for me, thanks.” i couldn’t help but develop a slight attitude. i blamed the flu and the growing hanger. but mostly i think it was the fact that she was in so many words calling me fat.
i collected my four pennies in change and my yogurt and yes, my ONE spoon and headed out to the car. i proceeded to drive the one minute commute back to my house, returned to my burrow on the couch, beneath the blankets and half-empty bottles of powerade, and removed the lid from big bertha.
i then proceeded to eat every single last morsel of that frozen concoction. and it was delicious and apparently just what the doctor ordered.
so i’m currently looking to copyright my BRATFY diet. stay tuned.