i mean, first of all, thanks for showing up. i know it was a little touch and go there until about year two. and then you did that curly mullet thing for a little while, which was, you know, kind of cute, but also not. but i think we finally have things under control, and for that i’m really quite grateful.
before i go on about how thankful i am for you (despite my occasional gripe over how much you shed or how you take forever to dry), i feel as though you are owed an apology for a few things.
first of all, i’m sorry for bangs. all of the bangs. straight across, side swooped, i’m sorry for it all. i mean, i know i was trying to use you to conceal my (almost) fivehead but really, i should have been more mindful of your feelings. because as soon as i cut bangs into your strands i was always quick to judge you almost immediately after. they were always too short or slightly too long. they were never “just right.” and everyone deserves to have their goldilocks moment. so while i can’t say that, in a moment of weakness, i’ll cut bangs again, i’ll do my best to remember how much emotional toil they bring you and reconsider prior to first snip.
speaking of snips. i’m really sorry for that unfortunate bob in late 1995, the olsen-twin inspired flippy shag in 2000, and most certainly the post-spain chop in 2006. i think i’ve done a pretty good job at keeping the scissors at bay since then, so hopefully those wounds have healed. and don’t you worry about the future, i’ve made a pact with my mom to talk me out of any and all future short-cut yearnings. because while that pixie cut looks mad fierce on my girl K and sistah, there’s a HIGH chance it won’t on me.
i feel like i should just apologize for all of the abuse you took from 2000-2003 when i was an sfc cheerleader. from high ponies and sponge rollers to copious amounts of aqua net and glitter, you have seen some tough times, my friend. first of all, thanks for not rebelling and falling out entirely. i know we lost a lot of good strands after that competition at disneyland my senior year, but i tried to deep condition you over the summer before college to nurse you back to health. but still, you could have totally been like, ENOUGH! and formed a bald spot or something unfortunate for an eighteen-year-old girl on the bring of her college career. and i’m just really glad you didn’t.
speaking of abuse, remember all of those formal updo’s? yeah, i’m sorry for those, too. i mean, i’m not really that sorry (except for that one with the roses i wore for my freshman year valentine’s day dance), because you really do updo’s well, but i have to believe all of that poking and pulling and prodding, not to mention all of those bobbi pins, were no picnic. we’re down to one more wedding this year, so come october, i think you’re safe from a french twist or chignon for a while.
i’m sorry for ever discovering a straightening iron. and i’m sorry that i didn’t use that keratin protector on you prior to using said straightening iron.
and lastly, i’m sorry for insisting that you look better as a blonde. i mean, don’t get me wrong, you can totally pull it off (and we had a lot of fun doing just that). but you were really meant to be a redhead. remember when you were the same color as a cheeto? while that color specifically wouldn’t fly today (just being honest), i did always appreciate the strawberry blonde hue you slowly transitioned to by about first grade. so we’re working on getting you back there. you’re a bit in transition now, but just bear with me, we’ll have you looking like lindsay lohan as cady heron in mean girls in no time (by FAR her best hair color to date).
so now that all of the apologies are out of the way, i can move on to what i really wanted to tell you.
thank you for being thick and for your multitude of strands, too. i know that when i’m trying to blow dry you (on that rare occasion) and it’s hot and you’re taking forever to dry, i irrationally lash out at you. and i shouldn’t do that. because deep down inside, i know how lucky i am to have all of you. so thanks for putting up with my harsh words and for well, just being you.
thank you for holding a curl like a champ. seriously, i’ve rocked salon-perfect curls one, two, sometimes three days after the initial day of styling based purely on your amazing ability to maintain the integrity of any ringlet that is placed amongst your strands. it’s kind of like the eighth wonder of the world. i don’t know how you do it, but never stop, k?
i’ll admit it, sometimes i just wish you would pick a side -straight or curly. mostly because i like to quantify things with nice little labels. but truthfully, i’m really grateful for your wavy ways. i’m like really into this whole embracing my inner hippie thing right now and you’re making it really easy by complying with this laxidasical beach wave you seem to be doing these days. i dig it. so thanks.
in closing, i just want you to know that i’m very aware of the fact that i’ve been really over-washing you lately. i’m like really into night showers after a long day (and workout) and it just feels right to sud you up and let you air dry while i’m tuning into the latest episode of white collar. but i understand that unlike my body, i’m actually doing you a disservice by laundering you on the daily. so i’ll try to reach for the dry shampoo over the liquid variety and let you get a little grime in you for good measure. besides, i’m pretty sure the most compliments i get on you are on day two of a washing hiatus.
and finally, no matter what you hear, remember this: you will never be long enough. there is always room for growth. i think i’ve shared this with you once, but my life’s goal is to have mermaid-hair. like the-ends-reach my hip-bones-length hair. kind of like how you were senior year of high school. i’m not sure if we’ll ever get you back to those glory days, but a gal can dream. so eat your wheaties and exercise regularly so we can make that a reality, k?
but even if we never get there, i will still love you and thank you regularly for your strength and overall presence on my head. because though i may have my moments of whining, i know that i’m a very lucky gal to have been blessed with all of you.