you know, though my top love languages are “words of affirmation” and “quality time,” (and if you have no idea what i’m talking about, read this, and then do yourself a favor and just read the book, too) i’m never one to look a gift horse in the mouth. especially a present pony (see what i did there?) that fortuitously finds itself onto my office chair while i’m off property at a lunch meeting at another country club (i mean, if ever there was a more pretentious sentence)…

now let me pause here and say that i’m really blessed, y’all. like in life in general and (as it pertains to this story), by the fact that i have great rapport with my members. see also: they love me. and when someone loves someone else, occasionally they like to give things to said person (i mean, from what i’ve experienced at least).so you know, that’s basically what happened yesterday when i stumbled upon a tied-up garment bag gingerly laid over the back of my desk chair. and though i couldn’t make out the exact design or type of apparel that lay hidden beneath the bag’s plastic exterior, i could tell by the hole at the top where the hanger poked through that there were definitely sequins involved.

and if y’all know me, you know full well that momma adores a good sequin.

so at the end of my workday, i loaded the mystery garment into my car before heading to pure barre and finally back home thereafter, anxious to reveal its contents at the first free moment i had. and when i arrived home to the condo a few hours later, i wasted no time in tearing up the stairs and to my dining room table where i was at last able to unleash the sequins from within their plastic shell. and my goodness, y’all, nothing could have prepared me for what i found. the garment that shimmered before me was unlike anything i had ever laid my eyes on. it was all kinds of wrong. but at the same time, every bit of right, too.

it was sequin, all right. covered in sequins from top to bottom. red from the torso up and pink from the waist down, two-toned, because well, why not? and though it had, at first blush, appeared to be some sort of dress concoction, further investigation revealed that it was in fact, a JUMPSUIT. i repeat, a sequined jumpsuit. i mean, if it had been also covered with polka dots, i might have self-imploded right then and there.

so in attempt to process it all, i resorted to yelling (obviously, since that is what any rational human would do). suddenly i found myself screaming things like “shut up! shut UP! i can’t even. this is unreal. UNREAL” (mind you, i was BY MYSELF) as i feverishly undid the arm holes from the plastic hanger. it was almost as if i wanted someone else to confirm its awkward awesomeness. actually, i think i looked around for some sort of visual confirmation, too. but without a soul around to share in my sheer and utter excitement, i did the next best thing: i took a picture of myself wearing the liberace-inspired garment and then proceeded to text it to everyone i knew. or you know, two guys and my mom. and then i followed that up by posting it on instagram with the following caption:

was gifted this gem today from a member. yes it has shoulder pads, yes it’s a jumpsuit, yes it’s red AND pink sequins. it doesn’t quite zip up the back, but that’s the ONLY reason i’m not keeping it. #imean

the sad thing is, for as crazy as it would be to entertain the idea of actually wearing said item in a public setting (for occasions other than say, halloween), with the right alterations and footwear, i would be totally okay with donning this to my next black-tie event. because, you know i attend those silly things all the time.

but seriously, the thing doesn’t zip up the back and is pretty high-watery on these gams of mine, plus there’s that whole issue of the shoulder pads, so you know, i’ve decided for now to politely thanksbutnothanks it back to the original owner. mostly for the fact that it’s from neiman marcus and probably cost a pretty penny back in the day and if someone with a little less line-backery of shoulders could squeeze their bod into it without dissembling its integrity, i would feel way better about myself on the whole.

but if it turns out that my member insists that i keep it and if my miracle-worker-of-a-tailor is willing to go to town on making this sequined beaut shawna-ready (and for a reasonable price), then maybe, just maybe, we haven’t seen the last of this sartorial gem.

i mean, there’s no way ANYONE is showing up to the next party wearing the same thing as me. i know full well, this baby isn’t being sold at anthropologie.

p.s. POCKETS, ftw!