things are better. physically, i feel better, mentally, too. i feel like i’ve finally found a groove at work, balancing both my responsibilities in the catering department and in the membership realm, too. and i’m finding more and more what an absolute blessing it is to have a home that is a pure joy to return to each evening. i’ve caught up with friends over coffee or gchat and have even dedicated an hour or so to a good old-fashioned phone conversation when time has allowed. friday night i went to target for no other reason than to go to target. i tried on dresses, snapped selfies and sent them to mom for a second opinion, yet left them in the dressing room even after her glowing review. i ran into a high school friend whose acquaintance i’ve been yearning to rekindle for quite some time now. we chatted for a bit before finally putting a coffee date on the calendar for this week. it felt good to have something to look forward to.
saturday morning i pushed myself a little bit more than normal during my pure barre workout, precautionary measures for easter’s pending arrival (and those easter treats) and also because a workout just seems to mean more when a few extra beads of sweat transpire in the process. i loitered at starbucks and smiled at strangers, a man commended me for my left handed-ness (thanks?), and i watched intently out the window as a dad and his toddler son logged in some guy time over pastries and chocolate milk (the sweetest). i met K for breakfast and girl talk at honey’s and left full -body and soul. and in the late afternoon, when a feeling of anxiousness called for some fresh air, i returned to the coast for a walk along a strip of real estate that evokes as many smiles as a visit to trader joe’s.
on most days i’m fine. okay. better than okay if it’s a good hair day and i’m wearing a cute outfit. and i start to peel of the layers of self-doubt and pity that i’ve built up around me over the past month or so. but then a thought, a memory, a conversation manifests itself in my mind. unshakable, i am forced to confront said emotion head on. and while i know the importance of dealing with the ugly when it invades everyday life, every inch of me wishes that if i ignore it long enough, it will simply disappear on its own. time’s inevitable forward march certainly aids in healing the wounds, but even band-aids can’t hold a bleeding heart.
i want to be strong because people expect me to be strong. heck, i expect me to be strong. but i realize strength isn’t only measured by how quickly you can find that silver lining. it also takes a strong individual to embrace the fact that sometimes things get worse before they get better. that sometimes it’s okay to cry, like really cry, and spend the day in your pajamas with the windows drawn and a full dvr. that grieving isn’t a sign of weakness, rather, just part of the process of arriving at a more self-aware version of yourself.
so yes, sometimes it stinks to learn the hard way -to go through the not so great times to finally get back to the great times again. and through it all, i will remind myself that everything is going to be okay. better than okay, in fact. fabulous even. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually, in the end, things will be great.
and it will be.
