do you remember the very first blog post i ever wrote? it’s okay if you don’t, it was four and a half years ago and sometimes i can’t even remember what i ate for lunch yesterday (okay that’s a lie, i had turkey and pickles and avocado with a side of grey poupon), but regardless, it was a long time ago and i don’t expect you to have every post memorized because that would be kind of creepy (albeit also impressive). so i’ll remind you, it was entitled “he’s just stuck in traffic” and it was my first of what would become many recountings of my misadventures in love. and there have been some doozies, haven’t there? it’s good that i’ve always (well most times at least) chosen to see the silver lining or when applicable, the humor in every situation, otherwise i’m fairly certain i might still be cowered in a corner somewhere surrounded by a sea of empty pints of ben & jerry’s “half baked”. over the past four years or so, i’ve turned my experiences into opportunities to share my points of view, to point toward the miracle of God’s grace, and how in every situation, a lesson can be gleaned and beauty transformed from ashes.

and honestly, until very recently, i kind of found my identity in that. “i’m the perpetually single girl, unlucky in love, but whose good attitude and resilient spirit give her the strength to persevere until she finally finds her happy ending.” and now for the first time in my whole life i’m madly in love with a man. and he with me. and this shift of emotions and relationship status is something i am still trying to wrap my mind around.

and in a weird way, i feel a little guilty about it.

i was the one who used to commiserate right along some of my most eligible single friends, and now i’m on the other side of the fence. i’ve become one of “them.” the out-of-touch happy coupley people who don’t remember what it’s like to be in the middle of a season of bad dates, friends with benefits gone wrong, and a whole lot of saturday night law & order: SVU marathons (which hey, i kind of miss).

but then i remember, this is what the story is all about. this is what i’ve waited my entire dating history to have (13 years strong). to feel happy, truly happy, and secure in an honest, loving, encouraging, and effortless relationship where both parties involved aren’t afraid to express what they feel. and that every day isn’t met with anxiety waiting for the other shoe to drop. and just because i’ve become one of “them,” doesn’t mean i don’t still remember the long road i’ve trudged to get me to this place in time. it doesn’t make me any less grateful for the experiences i’ve had or lessons i’ve learned or hours i’ve spent on the couch in the fetal position. if anything, it makes me more thankful. because without the bad, i wouldn’t know to cherish what it is i have right now.

so maybe i shouldn’t feel so guilty about my most recent change in status. if anything, i think i’ve earned my time to gloat a little bit. and to bask in the goodness that is falling head over heels in love. i’ve been so happy to watch it unfold for all of my favorite humans and i guess what i’m trying to process is the fact that maybe in this season, it’s my turn.

image via wiild antlers tumblr